A Complete Guide to Caring and Providing for your SnK-AoT Character
by marshmallow-princess
Summary: Is Eren causing you trouble? Is Levi constantly cleaning things? Is Hajime Isayami killing your favorite character? This is a complete guide to dealing with all things Attack on Titan! And all of this is written by your resident nutcase... Hange! -updated whenever- OH LOOK! UPDATE!
1. Hush, now fandom - I have an answer

A Complete Guide to Caring and Providing for your SnK/AoT Character

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_Dedicated to Isayami Hajime.  
Actually, no, it's not. He's a murderer._

_So... just think of it as being dedicated to you, to everyone, because..._

_SIE SIND DAS ESSEND UND WIR SING DIE JAGER._

_Period._

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Barnes and Noble's Snippet

Because Erwin told me to put this.

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-2006-

Isayami Hajime was where ever Isayami Hajime was. The setting doesn't matter. Not that I could tell you. I wasn't even ALIVE then. But all that matters was what he was doing.

"HEY, HAJIME-KUN!" The manga artist looked up from whatever he was doing, Sudoku or dioshin manga or paying bills or whatever. Standing in front of him was a blank, grey figure with a homicidal aura surrounding it (in other words, this is his Imagination). "I HAVE AN IDEA FOR YOU!"

Imagination continued, not letting him get a word in. "Okay, so why don't we have these giant humanoid creature thingies - let's call them titans, not for the mythological references, but because it sounds as cool as a fair number of cucumbers - and have people that..." The figure continued to explain some key points because, after all, this is a rough draft of Shingeki no Kyojin. "BUT. Plot twist: You - Yes, you, Hajime-kun - create a one-shot about this now, wait about six years, and then make it into the best manga/anime series EVER!"

Needless to say, Hajime agreed.

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-2012-

"Heeeeeeey, Hajime-kun," Imagination called out (again). The grey figure skipped up to him, holding his hands behind his back. "Look at what I brought you!" He showed the artist his hands, and a little, tiny character was sitting in his palm. Hajime stared at it. "I call him Eren Yeager. Isn't he cute?"

Hajime took the tiny Eren into his hand. Eren, having fallen flat on his face in the transfer of hands, sat up. Eren looked at his new creator, all cute and innocent like. After the passing moment of cuteness, there was a small growl.

"Eren's hungry," Imagination informed him.

Just then, little Eren stood up and waddled towards his fingers. Hajime made sure to keep his fingers close, least something happen to his soon-to-be star! Eren held onto his pinky for balance. And he slowly, open his mouth, and nibbled on Hajime's fingers.

And... it... really... hurt! Eren has the teeth of a... of a... self cannibal!

His imagination took Eren away from him. "I'm so sorry," the grey figure quickly apologized, cradling the young character close to him. "It was an accident.

Isayami Hajime nodded, acting cool and like nothing was wrong. He especially acted like it didn't hurt, even though there was a minuscule droplet of blood on his fingertip. But I think we all knew what he was thinking...

_I'm going to make you suffer._

_Your friends are going to suffer._

_Everyone's going to suffer... BECAUSE OF YOU!_

Stahp, Hajime-kun. Just stahp.

You see this, ladies and gentlemen? This is abuse. One of the worst kinds of abuse... character abuse. This is neglecting his characters, sometimes to the point of dying. Bad, manga artist. Bad.

But... it's okay. Even the... 'best' people need help sometimes (Have you ever seen Jean?). So, I've taken it upon myself to write a how-to guide... for the caretaking of characters! Especially when those characters are facing after death on a daily basis. And who better to ask... than a character herself?

Written by a (un)certified scientist, professional fangirl, and part-time lunatic, Hange Zoe, _A Complete Guide to Caring and Providing for your Snk/Aot Characters _is coming to you at a local online store in September of 20never!

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**AN:** So. Hello there. I really don't know what to say! XD My first piece for AoT. Watch this fail, lol.

This thing will be fully edited, decorated, and dressed up to look pretty by tomorrow. I was scribbling about this all day, and this is the end result.

Thank you for reading, and please review!


	2. can i has titan? (part one)

can i haz titan? (part one diet)

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This is how you take care of a titan.

OH, GOODNESS WHERE TO START?

_"Roooooaaaaaawwwwrr."_

No, Bean. This doesn't include you. Even if you are the cutest titan ever, this doesn't include you.

Titans are amazing! They're so cool! I have a sneaking suspicion that someone's going to make a 'Notice me, titan-sempai' joke. Oh, wait. That someone is me. HA HA HA I really need to find a new hobby. Everyone tells me that. But not everyone likes Titans, either.

Anyway, there are a few precautions to handling titans. One, they eat humans. Or maul them to death. Trust me, _it's not pretty_. I highly doubt you're a woodland creature. Please take this into account if you value your life.

Another precaution is that titans are still rather mysterious. Not much is known about them, still. You kill them by cutting the nape of their neck. There's the different classes of titans, as well. But there are still many, many other questions.

Yet another precaution: a dead titan is not necessarily a good titan, it's a damn messy titan. When they die, they release that steam and what not. Yes, they do evaporate, but, hey, different bodies, different speeds of evaporation. So who knows how long you'll get stuck with a titan ...

And you are aware that titans have no digestive organs? Yeah, they don't. So, after they eat so much (again, they only eat humans), they have to regurgitate. You think a mauled, dead body isn't pretty? _Try seeing titan vomit with your friends in it._

So you still want a titan? Yay! Good for you!

First thing's first: DIET! You know they only eat humans. But since they've been 'on a hiatus' (Eren told me about it, but Armin told me that he used that phrase, but he doesn't know what it means) for centuries without any cases of humans being devoured, I have deduced that humans are not needed for titans to survive.

You can do whatever you want with that information. My fellow comrades took to that information differently. What they use for an energy source is still unknown, but research has recently made great strides! I'll explain that further later, but for now... let's stick to food!

...

No, Blouse. Not your stupid potatoes! Leave me alone before I give your potatoes to the titans.

Okay... so where was I? ...Oh, yeah. Diet. Titans seem to rely on sunlight for some processes. Isn't that right, my sleepy little titans? Again, we still need to do more research, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this will be proven untrue.

So, that's pretty much it for the diet. Don't let titans eat you, or else you'll be dead. Bye!

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**AN: This will be split up into different parts. It would take forever just to gather all of the information into one chapter. So there is going to be parts instead!**

**Thank you for reading, and please review!**


	3. titan trololol (part two)

titan trololol (part two behavior)

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Titans, titans, titans.

They react just about as crazy as humans! Like that Annie girl. She's lucky she's quite the gem (cough, cough, spoilers) or else I'll kill her until she's dead. I'll kill her until she's deader than dead.

But she's not the topic of discussion, now is she? He he he, she's for later. Much later. Like, end of the book later. That's how much I hate her.

Maybe not at all!

... I feel like I'm forgetting something. Ah! Yes! Titan behavior. Thank (Freckled) Jesus Levi's around. He keeps my notes all neat and organized.

It says here that... In summary, titans are fools! They're easy to trick, distract, and deceive (As is the rule to every rule, there are exceptions to this. I do not want to ruin any fun you might have by explaining why). They're mindless, simple bird brains to the point where they just seem to exist to eat people.

Is this information useful?

Probably. Probably not. It isn't right now. I think.

Man, I am just so distracted right now. I'm talking to Armin about titans. Just thinking about it is making me tremble with joy~!

Urgh. Levi and his complaining. I'm being to loud, he said. I need to write the book, he said. Fine, then. I'll write a book.

Titan (tie-tan), noun, the cause of your suffering and despair. It should come to your attention that titans do not interfere with the daily lives of forest-dwelling creatures. (I guess they don't want another _Bambi._)

And we still have no clue why!

Maybe it's some sort of hormonal response or something. Erwin says knowledge is power (or is it Levi? ... Armin? Oh, snap. Where did he go?) and, if that were true, we have no power! Seriously, it's like Levi without cleaning supplies or 3DMG. It's just hopeless.

But... the worst has yet to come...

They're BANANAS. I mean, unpredictable. Seriously, you guys. I'm pretty fairly absolutely certain that people are stalking us and watching our every move. A lot of people. And I don't mean titans... Why do I feel like I'm being watched?

... HOLY MOTHER OF WALLS. EREN YEAGER I SWEAR IF YOU SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN I WILL SICK LEVI ON YOU.

He he. He left. And he didn't know it was a bluff~. Anyway, if you try really hard at something, you can do it! For example, scaring me. Or killing the majority of humanity. Titans are like humans, in that way, you can do it!

Ra ra, it's okay! We're gonna kill you and live today!

Anyway, my none scaring readers, there is more to add to this. Lots and lots more. BUT certain readers haven't gotten to parts of our story yet. So, I'll write it all in a different character profile. Namely, the beast titan...

NO! ALL OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, STAY AWAY FROM THE RESEARCH! IT'LL RUIN THINGS! Like... like... Your faith in humanity.

Except it won't be all over your shirt.

So... that's not really it. But, again, I don't want to spoil it for you~. Remember, don't let titans eat you, or else you'll be dead. Bye!

EREN WHAT DO YOU WANT?

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**AN: Shouldn't the Female Titan be called the Titaness? :/ Just sayin.**


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